Thoughts from Henri Nouwen...

In the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), there are two sons: the younger son, who runs away from home to an alien country, and the older son, who stays home to do his duty. The younger son dissipates himself with alcohol and sex; the older son alienates himself by working hard and dutifully fulfilling all his obligations. Both are lost. Their father grieves over both, because with neither of them does he experience the intimacy he desires.

Both lust and cold obedience can prevent us from being true children of God. Whether we are like the younger son or the older son, we have to come home to the place where we can rest in the embrace of God's unconditional love.

Moving Forward

This friday will be 3 weeks here. These past few weeks have been hell to say the least. From not feeling anything to wishing i didn't feel and realizing that starting small is all it takes. Moving forward. I am finally coming out of it, conversations don't exhaust me as much as they did anymore. Now that i feel these things again, i don't know how i went on for so long the way I did. I truly lost myself for the past 2 years and I am trying to gain it back piece by piece. I am so thankful for the people here in my life now, moving back was not at all how i thought it would be, and the things i was scared to face aren't so scary when you let go of the past.

Grace, I need to figure out my bucket list again....also at this time in my life its hard to figure out what I really want to do. I'll get there eventually!

bucket list

dear kelsey (and anyone else who happens to see this),
this list is not exhaustive...and i'll probably change my mind about half the things in a year or two...but here it goes.


(in no particular order)



plant an apple tree

make bread for new neighbors

have a home

bake in an apron that looks something like this

stay in one place

have a room with bookcases on every wall

plant a big garden

join a church

go a whole day without being mean or snapping at anyone

take care of my parents when they're old

make apple sauce

teach english

be peaceful

be super super silly at 95 years old

have a dog

have a wood stove

have a clothes line

sleep at a beach

be wise

be smart

be kind


i can't think of anything else right now...but i'll try!



Grace

The Pain you experience today, is protecting you from a greater pain tomorrow.

A really unhealthy person once told me 'when you say goodbye, say it well' .I am preparing to move in the next week or two back to saint louis. Wishing i had magic skills to pack it all up in an hour and leave before anyone noticed or came by. Its not that i don't want to see the people i love before i leave, its exactly that, I feel its easier to just vanish before i have to feel anything. I hate saying goodbye, i hate it and avoid it like the plague. I am leaving the place of safety and comfort, where no one questions what I do, why I do what I do, hold me accountable or sets standards for me. I am leaving partly because of this, i need another new start. I have moved more than i want to even count, in the past 3 years. Each of which, have been such milestone moments in my life, in boston, i discovered who I was and how to really love myself, and in Chattanooga, how to love those around me, and how much alike we really are. We are all so damaged and need God's grace everyday.

I am ready for peace and quiet, in my heart. I am tired of being restless. No one here really understands why I am leaving, I don't blame them, i don't really get it either. Its just something i know i need to do, not want or have, need. Like ending a bad relationship, you just know that it is over and its more harmful to keep on. I do not look forward to moving back to saint louis, and i don't look forward to leaving here, but i don't know where else to go. I am moving forward, that is all i can do, back to the one place that scares the shit out of me. A friend recently told me 'if i dealt with those things that happened to me there, it wouldn't scare me to go back'. This just made aware of how much more harder it will be. I am anxious for the struggles and the setbacks, i know it will keep me growing into who i need to be. All i know is that I am thankful for every experience I have had in my life, good and bad. From crazy living situations, L'abri and the dysfunctional relationships along the way.

P.S.Grace, i am waiting to hear about your life at L'abri! so post!