A really unhealthy person once told me 'when you say goodbye, say it well' .I am preparing to move in the next week or two back to saint louis. Wishing i had magic skills to pack it all up in an hour and leave before anyone noticed or came by. Its not that i don't want to see the people i love before i leave, its exactly that, I feel its easier to just vanish before i have to feel anything. I hate saying goodbye, i hate it and avoid it like the plague. I am leaving the place of safety and comfort, where no one questions what I do, why I do what I do, hold me accountable or sets standards for me. I am leaving partly because of this, i need another new start. I have moved more than i want to even count, in the past 3 years. Each of which, have been such milestone moments in my life, in boston, i discovered who I was and how to really love myself, and in Chattanooga, how to love those around me, and how much alike we really are. We are all so damaged and need God's grace everyday.
I am ready for peace and quiet, in my heart. I am tired of being restless. No one here really understands why I am leaving, I don't blame them, i don't really get it either. Its just something i know i need to do, not want or have, need. Like ending a bad relationship, you just know that it is over and its more harmful to keep on. I do not look forward to moving back to saint louis, and i don't look forward to leaving here, but i don't know where else to go. I am moving forward, that is all i can do, back to the one place that scares the shit out of me. A friend recently told me 'if i dealt with those things that happened to me there, it wouldn't scare me to go back'. This just made aware of how much more harder it will be. I am anxious for the struggles and the setbacks, i know it will keep me growing into who i need to be. All i know is that I am thankful for every experience I have had in my life, good and bad. From crazy living situations, L'abri and the dysfunctional relationships along the way.
P.S.Grace, i am waiting to hear about your life at L'abri! so post!
this is such a good post.
ReplyDelete