"you don't think your way to a new kind of living, you live your way into a new kind of thinking"

henri nouwen

alone.

In solitude we grasp for any scrap of humanity we can find - in film, books, television, in the grocery store line, and the wave of a neighbor. Solitude heightens our people-sense; every look, touch, and word begin to mean the world to us.

things i like by Anne Lamott

“And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.” 

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-To-Find-Out-Who-You-Really-Are-by-Anne-Lamott

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” 

Easy, Yummy, No-Knead Bread

Even though it takes 2 days to make, in reality you'll spend mere minutes making this beautiful bread.

It comes out with a beautiful, floured, golden crust and is soft on the inside.

I found the recipe for this killer bread in - of all places - a New York Times article.

BAKE AND ENJOY!

Grace

My bucket list

ok grace, i think we have a few that are similar here goes...

1.own a coffee farm : )
2. live in a foreign country working
3. work for a non-prof company, ideally IJM something along those lines
4.  have a room just for reading, filled with tons of bookshelves, a fire place and lots of windows
5.  move somewhere out west, probably Colorado
6. zip-lining...a little more legit than the last
7. travel the world, going to the most random places
8. since i was in 4th grade i have said that i will one day work in an orphanage in Africa, and it is still my hearts desire, even though its trendy.
 I'm drawing a blank now, so this is all i gots!

A year later

Well, today a year ago, i packed up everything i had, sold what i could and moved to Chattanooga,Tn. I left Massachusetts, from one unknown to another. I am so thankful of where God has brought me. I have never felt so much joy and contentment. Even though this feeling does not last, it is something i have to chose. Something I have faith in, and believe in. God is doing amazing things in my life, amazing people in my life. I feel so much love.

These past few weeks were a huge indicator that growth is occurring. I'm not going to get into too much, but i had a lot of things happening to me,paralyzing fear, horrible dreams that stayed with me all day, I had a person i did not know come up to me and tell me things about myself. It became very clear to me that I was making a lot of  progress and this was another choice i would make. Every choice I have had to make comes back to my biggest problem. Trust. Trusting that God loves me enough to guide me through this and trust that He will not leave me. Every thing thrown at me that is a choice to lose focus, I have to keep choosing that God is going to get me through this. I do believe this, I do trust that God loves me more than I can even imagine and that my concept of love and the way God loves me is something i can't even comprehend. I am in constant awe of him. It makes me so joyful, the moments in the day where you just know God is revealing parts of how much he loves me, protecting me and guiding me. I desire to grow so much, to keep learning, loving others and learning how to love well and being reminded that we are all under grace. The more i grow closer to God, i want it so badly for everyone else. I want so badly for the ones i left back in Chattanooga to have what I have. To know how deeply they are loved, and they are not another person that God has forgotten, that there is healing in the pain in suffering.

I am thankful for where I have been, the experiences I've had and people I've met. They have all given me something that i could learn from and I couldn't forget them if i wanted to. I have been on one hell of a journey of running and restlessness. When i look back on the experiences I've had, L'Abri, ex boyfriends, moving where i wanted, it wasn't me. I don't even feel attached to those experiences, I don't even feel like i did those things. I am so thankful for that. It doesn't mean that there isn't a lot of things going on in my life that aren't bad. There are quite a few, but i know God is using them for something else. I can't let those things make me lose focus of where God is taking me. I just know he is going to use them and restore me fully.

Living as a forgiven

Ending of the week. I feel content, at ease...most of the time. Not that things are getting any easier, but the way i deal with them and see them is. I don't feel so restless inside, I am more patient with myself. I stopped living as a perfectionist and letting go of my convinced control. Overall i feel pretty happy. The healthier i get the more i see coming at me, but i can't lose focus of where I am at and what I am doing. I am becoming my own person, owning my choices, owning things that happened to me and then I am the one who deals with the good or bad result.