.

I have never been so content in my life. I feel like I have just started living, in a meaningful and intentional way. I have never wanted to make such healthy changes and be in a healthy community of people who challenge me. I feel so free to not feel the need to be a people pleaser, to convince myself that i could help people. The truth is, I wasn't helping anyone, I am not a healer, counselor or reconciler. Only God can do that, and He can use me through that. I truly had myself convinced that I could help these people and by doing so I used them to numb myself. Looking back I don't really remember much....just certain memories or things that happened along the way and how i felt about people. I was reading tonight about how God gave us memory, how He gave it to us to know what truly satisfies us and how we can return back to that in the future. Something so simple i never thought about. Therefore, I know God has really spared me in the fact that I have to sit and think hard on a lot of things that have happened to me if I want to remember them. I can feel again. I feel emotions, I can sympathize with someone hurting and not automatically go into "fix it" mode. I can just listen and be there with them. It is not something that will go away, I have to be constantly aware of it. I have to stop and question my own intentions of why i would say this or what my motives would be.

This has changed everything for me. I am now for the first time ever living as a forgiven person. I stopped holding onto what people had done to me in the past and choices I had made. I didn't believe that God couldn't forgive me, I just believed they gave me some sort of identity. Until i realized, I wasn't living, my hands were clinched onto those dark dark things of my past and when i set them free, I felt God's love for me, felt worthy of God loving me and others. There are still times when I will start to slip into telling myself I am not fun anymore because I don't go and get wasted and find my worthiness in any guy who shows it, or not the life of the party. Because those days were some of the darkest days of my life. I wasn't living, i was numb, using anything and anyone to numb. I have found such contentment and joy in my life now. Looking at life and the things that happen to me as things God is using to test me and to teach me new things and some bad things just happen because that is life. but i am no more just going along through life living day to day 'wondering what will happen today' but with intention. Loving God and myself and others. Okay. Done typing! Now i can breathe again!

A whole month later.

It has been a whole month since i posted anything. Life has been exhausting. My adopted sister is taking the energy from my family, its been hard. My family has never experienced anything like this. But the good, very good thing from this is that I have never been closer to my sister carrie. I am so thankful to have her. I am exhausted thinking about it as i type so Im done on this topic.

On leaving chattanooga. I feel angry at myself that i stayed as long as i did. I was so stupid to not see the danger I was in, to really truly believe i was ok? Living in survivor mode does that i guess. I have not one regret about leaving. I feel like it was more a bad bad dream and that it never happened, and i am so thankful for that. I am slowly working on being ok again, i still don't work a job, I have a schedule i follow everyday and i read most of the time. I have an amazing mentor, I don't know how to describe her,there is no way to describe her, 78 yrs old, and the wisest person I have ever met. I know I will get to that place where I feel content and at ease inside, but right now it still feels chaotic.

Thoughts from Henri Nouwen...

In the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), there are two sons: the younger son, who runs away from home to an alien country, and the older son, who stays home to do his duty. The younger son dissipates himself with alcohol and sex; the older son alienates himself by working hard and dutifully fulfilling all his obligations. Both are lost. Their father grieves over both, because with neither of them does he experience the intimacy he desires.

Both lust and cold obedience can prevent us from being true children of God. Whether we are like the younger son or the older son, we have to come home to the place where we can rest in the embrace of God's unconditional love.

Moving Forward

This friday will be 3 weeks here. These past few weeks have been hell to say the least. From not feeling anything to wishing i didn't feel and realizing that starting small is all it takes. Moving forward. I am finally coming out of it, conversations don't exhaust me as much as they did anymore. Now that i feel these things again, i don't know how i went on for so long the way I did. I truly lost myself for the past 2 years and I am trying to gain it back piece by piece. I am so thankful for the people here in my life now, moving back was not at all how i thought it would be, and the things i was scared to face aren't so scary when you let go of the past.

Grace, I need to figure out my bucket list again....also at this time in my life its hard to figure out what I really want to do. I'll get there eventually!

bucket list

dear kelsey (and anyone else who happens to see this),
this list is not exhaustive...and i'll probably change my mind about half the things in a year or two...but here it goes.


(in no particular order)



plant an apple tree

make bread for new neighbors

have a home

bake in an apron that looks something like this

stay in one place

have a room with bookcases on every wall

plant a big garden

join a church

go a whole day without being mean or snapping at anyone

take care of my parents when they're old

make apple sauce

teach english

be peaceful

be super super silly at 95 years old

have a dog

have a wood stove

have a clothes line

sleep at a beach

be wise

be smart

be kind


i can't think of anything else right now...but i'll try!



Grace